Ghost Tits

 

I am an old man now but when I was a young boy there was a legend. A legend told in hushed tones on the back of school busses and in dark, damp locker rooms of Jr. High Schools across America. It was once a myth a rumor, something we had heard about vaguely. There was always some kid who swore he saw a thing about it on Entertainment Tonight. I speak of course of the Ghost Tits! The mythical greatest tits you’d never see, the ones that got away before they reached their prime. I speak of course of Soleil Moon Frye’s fabled giant boobs. Removed before their true prime, when she was but 16 years old, stolen from us the masses. This was a long time ago mind you, before there was internet in every household, or pocket. We didn’t all have cell phones and none of them were smart as they are now. There weren’t a million cable TV stations reporting every minutia of every celebrity’s life.

Soleil of course was best known to the current generation as the best friend of Sabrina the Teenage witch (The College Years). To my generation she was, and always will be, Punky Brewster. The mother of Pop Punk and the reason Green Day exist (I made that last part up but seriously if you think about it-she is). At the age of 16 after her career as Punky Brewster was over and she was cast aside by Hollywood and reduced to random spots on other more popular shows, her body developed at a rapid rate. This like with many women caused a great number of ailments both physically and in her acting career. To try and remedy these problems she had her wondrous gifts from God reduced from a staggering 36DD to a more manageable 34C. They were a mystery to me and my friends long ago. Something we talked about constantly, but no one ever could find photographic evidence of them. We dreamed about how glorious they must have been for that brief shining moment in time.

While many women have sacrificed greatly under the surgeon’s knife to get what she gave away. Rumor had it they were legendary and they were still mostly unseen as recently as 2002. Internet message boards were constant hub of shared anguish over this. Now nearly 20 years later a scant few images have surfaced. Thank the heavens and the Gods we live in the here and now, but too bad we couldn’t have seen them when they were more than just a grainy image but flesh and blood. And let us all rejoice that Christina Hendricks was not so selfish.

R.I. P. Major Nelson

As you undoubtedly have heard already Larry Hagman has passed away. And while it is sad, people will without fail be lamenting the loss of good ole’ J.R. and making hackney jokes about who shot him. People I may add; that are far too young to have actually remembered watching the show. I am 35yrs old and I recall my mother buying me a Who Shot JR shirt at a flea market in 1985- five years after the episode aired. I was to young then to even know what the hell it was about but her and her friends thought it was cute so I played it off like I knew then I began watching and continued right up until it was cancelled in 1991. Still I was way too young to get half of it and way to young to be watching Primetime soap operas (which sadly aren’t even a thing anymore). Even though it was the role of J.R. Ewing that made Hagman one of the highest paid television actors before the Seinfeld and Friends cast broke the bank and paved the way for reality shows where they didn’t have to pay the “actors”. That was not his most important role in television history. Sure the whole “Who Shot J.R.” thing is apart of American pop culture history and television history in general, but what about his first hit television series. You know what I’m talking about (you can see the picture right), I’m talking about Mother-fucking I Dream of Jeanie bitches! Hell yeah!

Hagman was Major Nelson the only man smart enough to go into space but too dumb to know what to do with a hot blonde in a bikini who wanted nothing more than to marry him and grant his every wish. Where most people only get three wishes from genie's that sound like Robin Williams and look like a hipster demons from Bagdad! this man got a smoking hot Barbra Eden who gave him 5 years worth of hijinks filled wishes. None of which involved him putting his penis in places that in 1965 would have been considered ungodly. I on the other hand would have wasted no time wishing for her to to tricks on my dick!

This was how I knew Hagman, having grown up in a area when there were UHF and VHF channels. UHF being the ones on the lower knob that played endless reruns of Janie, Sandford and Son, Good Times, and the Brady Bunch. I spent more hours than I can count with the Major and Jeanie, far more than I ever did with J.R. And I’m guessing so did most people my age or younger. You can still find I dream of Jeanie playing somewhere on some channel right now if you look. They don’t really run reruns of Dallas. As for the new remake on TNT, sure it garnered some good ratings but remakes of classic TV shows are never as good as the originals. And as far as Hagman reprising his role as the greatest villain on 80s Primetime TV; well let’s just say it packed less of a punch now that we all know how far he was from the stereotypical cowboy oil tycoon he portrayed. He was in fact an advocate of medicinal marijuana and a huge champion of green technology. He ran his 43 acre estate on solar power and was in fact everything the character JR would have hated.

What-If Machine and Jerry O'Connell

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to know how things would have turned out had I made different decisions at key moments in my life. I wish I had a What-If machine like the one on Futurama, or if I could actually visit these alternate realities like on Sliders (one of my favorite shows ever). If only there was a way to peer into the other side and see what might have been with enough time to fix how things are still. What would happen if I zigged instead of zagged. Life is made up of choices each one determines the next, just how would the dominos fall if lined up differently? These are questions I ask myself a lot these days (although I know I shouldn’t). I think about  what would have happened had I stayed in New York back in 2003. Would I have made something out of myself or would I have ended up homeless and alone? Could I have made it as an artist if I would have focused? I mean the two major comic companies were right there. I once took my portfolio and stood in front of the DC (comics) offices. Paralyzed by fear I couldn’t bring myself to go through the doors. I think about what would have happened if I stayed in Atlanta in 2007. Would I have drank myself to death, contracted some permanent venereal disease? Or perhaps I would have moved up in the ranks at the club I worked at, or ended up running off with one of the bands and becoming a roadie or better yet a tour manager? Could I have found something or someone that would support me in my endeavors and dreams and build me up so that I became something more than what I am today. I think about how things would have turned out if I chose to stay in San Francisco instead of coming back here a few months ago. Would I have finally become self-sufficient, or would I have wound up one of the many faceless men on the street begging for change? Could I have found a new love, perhaps some tattooed beauty who nurtured my desire to sit around in my underwear and make up stories? Could I have found myself in my dream job, living the sweet life, if only I’d had the courage to tough it out a little while? Who knows what would have happened? I surely don’t.

I used to think I was smart, that I had (if not all) at least part of the answers. I certainly carried myself as someone who was more sure of ones actions than I actually was.  I long ago tried to tell myself that I shouldn’t think about the would-have-been’s, could-have-been’s, but I can’t help but wonder if I would be better off having zigged when I chose to zag. I told myself a long time ago to never dwell on such things, that looking back in regret was a fools errand. I instead chose to lower my head and barrel on full steam with no regard to the carnage I was causing in my quest to never look back. I did more harm than good to those around me who truly cared about me. That’s why I don’t beat myself up for looking backwards so much anymore. I think you need that perspective to help inform better decisions tomorrow.

Five Minutes to Midnight!

Following an international symposium held January 9, in Washington, D.C., the Science and Security Board of the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists (yes that's a real thing) moved the Doomsday clock to five minutes to Midnight. After reviewing the implications of recent events and trends for the future of humanity with input from other experts on nuclear weapons, nuclear energy, climate change, and biosecurity (also a real thing), they decided that we're all one step closer to being fucked! Mainly because of the cracked nuclear reactors in Japan spewing nuclear waste into the air and ocean for the last several months, but also because theirs a bunch of unaccounted for suitcase sized nukes running around out there somewhere ready to be set off without warning. Created in 1947  by scientists who had helped develop the first atomic weapons in the Manhattan Project, the Doomsday Clock uses the imagery of the apocalyptic midnight and the contemporary idiom of nuclear explosion, to convey the threats to humanity and the planet. Since then the Clock has become a universally recognized indicator of the world's proximity to catastrophe from nuclear weapons, climate change, and emerging technologies. You can find out more about it here.

The Chimera Monkey; Herald of the Apocalypse

The Chimera (or Chimaera) was, according to Greek mythology, a monstrous fire-breathing female creature of Lycia in Asia Minor, composed of the parts of multiple; “A thing of immortal make, lion-fronted and snake behind, a goat in the middle, and snorting out the breath of the terrible flame of bright fire”, according to Homer's brief description in the Iliad the earliest surviving literary reference. Now a team of scientists from Oregon Health & Science University have created the world’s first Chimera monkeys in a lab using the embryos of several male monkeys and implanting them into female monkeys. The research, to be published online in the journal Cell, provides significant information about how early embryonic stem cells develop and take part in formation of the primate species. The team from OHSU’s Primate Research Center successfully delivered three Chimeric monkeys that were reportedly healthy, and with no apparent birth defects following the controversial research. While all three monkeys are biologically male, blood tests reveal that one carries both male and female cells. While Chimeric animals were first created by researchers in the 1960s, the team of scientists believe their research is the first to successfully create Chimeric monkeys. Since scientists were first able to produce Chimeric mice in the 60s, others have gone on to produce Chimeric versions of rats, rabbits, sheep and cattle. With the creation of the first primate born from multiple fathers, it is only a matter of time before a human is created from the DNA of multiple people. Thank you Dr. Mindbender!

Happy New Year: Don't Worry the World is Ending!

While you were sleeping, the world kept turning, shit kept happening and things changed. Yet nothing has changed. If you believed the fervent anti-Obama sentiment on the internet, then on December 31st he quietly singed away your rights(if you're an American Citizen). But in fact he merely re-signed them away. Your rights have been gone. H.R. 1540, or the “National Defense Authorization Act for Fiscal Year 2012.” does include a prevision (Section 1021) which simply "affirms the executive branch’s authority to detain persons covered by the 2001 Authorization for Use of Military Force". In the presidents own words "This section breaks no new ground and is unnecessary". In the president's signing statement he expresses that he does not support everything in the bill, and that his administration would not use these previsions to authorize the indefinite detention of American citizens with out trial. Yet this of course does not stop people from decrying him as a traitor who should be put on trail right after you vote for Ron Paul of course. The far left and far right all come together to call Obama the Anti-Christ, Judas, or at the very least a sellout who is going to have each and every one of us rounded up and detained for not voting for him. With rhetoric so vicious and venomous that the lack of appropriate facts is unnoticed simply madmen screaming that their good old U.S.A. has been stolen from them. They feel that the land of the free and home of the brave isn't what they thought it was. They are right, the mythical United States where everyone was free, and anybody could become rich never existed. The land owners and business men have always ran this (and every other) land. It was always built on the backs of slaves and those who stepped outside the narrow laws placed on them by those in power have always been unlawfully detained indefinitely. Not one single thing has changed. Minorities in this country have always been painfully aware of this fact.

Meanwhile why you were busy being outraged that the President reluctantly signed the continuation of laws that have been in place since 2001, his potential opponents sign a pledge to take away the right of every woman to control her own body. Ron Paul, Michele Bachmann, Rick Santorum (Google it) and Newt Gingrich all have signed the Personhood USA petition to support an unprecedented "human life amendment" to the Constitution which would create legislation making clear that "the 14th Amendment protections apply to unborn children." The person-hood amendment would ban abortion even in cases of rape, incest or to protect a mother's health, and it could affect the legality of some forms of birth control, invitro fertilization and stem cell research. Ask yourself which is a bigger threat to you, to America, and to human rights in general. You can cry that Obama has effectively killed the Bill of Rights. Yet the Bill of Rights was effectively killed under the previous administration and you are still roaming free to read this on the internet. The Bill of rights went out the window the moment the Patriot act was signed into law. That's of course if you didn't know that the United States had been in a perpetual "State of Emergency" since WWII and that every president since Franklin Roosevelt  has had the executive ability to declare Marshall Law and round up United States citizens and jail them without trail. This is the reality that you, your parents, your grandparents, and depending on how young you are your great-grandparents, has lived under. You wonder why the "media" isn't covering this? Why aren't the talking heads yammering on and on about this? It's because anyone who has actually studied politics or the laws of this nation already know this. The only ones shocked are the people who are only now waking up to what has long been going on in this country.

You see this isn't news, because this isn't new! If you know your history, and you know the way the world really works, then you would know that you have never lived in the land of the free, and the home of the brave. Long before the industrial revolution you lived in a land of actual slaves, stolen from natives, that discriminated and imprisoned everyone who was not a white christian male of English decent. Everyone from the Irish to women, have had to fight long and hard for the little rights they receive today. That is the beauty of this fucked up country. You can change things, if you really want to. You don't have to take it lying down. But you will not change things by voting for some right-wing Anglo-Saxon, millionaire, religious nut who wants far worst for you than a biracial, Hawaiian, constitutional law professor. Yet even if you do the world will keep on turning and things outside of your control will continue to shape your life. To truly change the system you would have to bring it crashing tot he ground. And my dear friends on the left-that will not happen from camping out in a public park, pretending to be homeless, and attending drum circles while tweeting on your Mac Book Air-Pro! real effective change to the current political system, will only come when we the people rise up and burn said system to the ground. You can't do that without education and organization, rage is just the fire-starter.

 

Attack of the MorpHex

So do you remember those ball robots that rolled up and unfolded, then started shooting Jedi's in the Attack of the Clones?

Yeah, well somebody called Zenta has started trying to make one!

Johnny Cash - Thanksgiving Prayer

R.I.P. Over-weight Lover Heavy D

When I was 9 years old I got a cassette jam box from my estranged father for my birthday. He lived in DC and I lived in North Carolina, he sent with the jam box three cassettes; E.U. Live, some random Go-Go's greatest hits (that he probably picked up at a gas station), and Heavy D and the Boyz Big Tyme!


R.I.P. Dwight Arrington Myers