12/31/2007

Nature is a languge-can't you read?

Here we are at the precipice of a new year. Closer to the faithful day when Armageddon comes to town. One step closer to the end of the Mayan Calender and the beginning of the sixth world. So I look back on this year with glee. 2007 has been both kind and cruel to me. Not much unlike any other year but far more than any other year. I have made a decision this year that will impact my life forever and change the very dynamic on which I base my self. Most of you know what I refer to. I have in fact gotten engaged. A simple act to someone who subscribes to traditional values and ways of living, but for those of us who have made it a point to live outside of the norm, this is a huge step. A unexpected step and one very likely to alter the course of events for not only myself but for those who looked to me as a beacon of hope for the different. If you will. I'm not being big-headed I'm just spitting back whats already been spit at me.

So how did this happen? How did I go from being the poster-boy for Anarchy to this? Well it's easy for me to see, but I guess it needs some explaining. Last year this time I was sitting at Anitra (my fiancĂ©es) work place drinking and watching her work. It starts before that though, before the long ride in the U-Haul from Atlanta to St. Louis and extends deep into 2005. Back to when I first took the job at the Masquerade as a security Goon and caught a glimpse of her ass as she walked up the front steps. Even before that really when I became restless and bored with my life. I knew something was missing and needed to change not only what I was doing but who I was. I had become stuck in a rut of self-destructive behavior. Newtons First Law:"An object at rest will stay at rest “. So I began to make moves that would set my body in motion. I left my first great love Amber and tried to see if I could survive on my own. I had my ups and downs lost quite a bit of my belongings to crack-heads and meth addicts, that I let stay with me. Had some strange rendezvous, but I survived (come hell or high water) I survived. Then in late '06 I went to work at the Masquerade, as if by chance. I had gotten fired from my position at The Righteous Room, for drinking all the Jager, and ran into Steve at Track Side. He told me to come into the Masq. and the next day ad I did. That was Oct., by X-Mas I was following Anitra into the bathroom. My infatuation grew exponentially from there. At first you could have said it was lust and maybe it was, but it wasn't. I cared for her, I just didn't know it. We eventually developed a bond. “God Loves who most?” After nights of flirting over the card table and sharing inside jokes brought us closer together. But neither of us new where it was going. She had several boyfriends during this time And I had Vanessa, and Amber, and who ever else showed up on any giving night. Neither of us could have anticipated the events to come.

Newtons Third Law: "Every action has an equal and opposite reaction". I made the journey here to the center of the nation and and found a woman whom not only was my match in insanity, but my equal in passionate irrationality. If you get my drift. We have fought and bickered and almost split apart several times. Many of you out there know very well how close I've come to packing it in and heading back to Atlanta. But somehow we have made it through the hard times and came together again. Often I have wondered if I was doing the right thing, if this was in fact my destiny. But as a gambling man I roll the dice and head into the fray. I know that I could very well turn up craps and be shit out of luck, but thats a chance I take. There are risk in all aspects of life. You could walk out side tomorrow and be hit by a bus, you could be sleeping in your bed and a plane crash into your house, any number of things could go wrong in ones life. You take your chances. I feel however that this is a chance I needed to take. I believed in our love I believed in us. I feel that now at thirty years of age this is someone whom I could hang out with for a good while.

The aging process is unique it crept up on me. My hair got a little grayer and the bags under my eyes got a little more pronounced. All the running and fighting started to catch up with me this year. I began to examine my own mortality. I began to think a lot about my life and all that I had done. I have been through a great deal of tragedy and comedy. I have had a hell of a ride and now I don't plan on any of that ending I do plan on the method of my madness changing.

Let me get back to the topic at hand. I came here from a completely different environment. I was not prepared for either the cold climate nor the cold shoulder I received while searching for a job. I was not prepared for the racism or the bigotry I was greeted with here in the Mid-West. I had no idea what to expect. I had no idea how her family was going to except me, and at first they didn't. Well not all of them anyway. What difference does it make. I came here for her. And we've made it through this year. Seen some pretty good movies and hopefully mad one or two ourselves. No apologies. I'm just reflecting. Pondering on all that has gone on. Am I a sacred one? You now the drill.

What will become of the next year and what will we become in the next year. I have made some New years resolutions that I hope to abide by.

  1. Save some money

  2. Get my teethe fixed

  3. Get to California

  4. Get more in touch (if you know me-you know what that means)

I don't want to get to crazy with this right now. I'm a little tipsy and plan on writing more later. There are a lot of things on my mind if you can't tell. I just wanted to put this out there and get some honest feed back. I know there are a lot of my friends who have questioned what I was doing this past year. And There have been cryptic messages in my writing that allude to the troubles I've gone through. The news of our engagement shocked and surprised many. I still haven't heard from all of you. Let it be said though that I am a creature of the moment I go with my gut.



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