I am falling apart. My entire life is in shambles, I have lost my job, my love, and I'm holding onto my apartment by a very, very, thin wire. I am losing my mind each day, and now the only slither of hope I had left is gone. My love, whom I have followed across country, has told me that we can never get back what we once had and for the first time I believe her. I have lost all hope of being with her and being happy again for that matter. I am too fat and old to start over and my credit history is too bad to make it on my own. I went for a job interview this morning and it was all I could do to not break down and cry as I practically begged for a job. I broke down and told the poor guy tasked with interviewing me all of my hard luck woes. I tried to stave off the bad reference he will undoubtedly get from my last employer. An employer who is contesting my unemployment as they bad mouth me from getting any other work, which means, that not only do they not want me to get a new job, they don't want me to even eat. How people a can be so cold and callus I have no idea. The same goes for my former fiancé, who feels that somehow this is all my doing that somehow magically can change my own situation. Neglecting the fact that she partially put me in this situation when she opted to leave me with no job and no money to sit and starve in Oakland a mere four months after we traveled across the country together. True things were deteriorating long before I completely lost my job. When I was demoted to two days a week she decided that was enough and she wanted out. Cold as that was, she then thought it better to get fake breast than help someone she claimed to love. At that point I began to see that it was my fault, after all I had made the foolish decision to fall in love with someone so shallow. I made the decision to leave behind my friends and family, and turn my back on those who actually did care about me for someone who could care less if I died in the street tomorrow. How I could have been so blinded by a big butt and smile is the story of my life.
I was standing on the BART platform after leaving the unemployment office this afternoon (where I had to beg for unemployment) and I was tempted to throw myself in front of the next train, but then I stepped back and set down. I have never contemplated suicide before today; I have never respected those that opt the easy way out. I figure they should sit here and suffer with the rest of us, but of course that's silly. You should be able to get a do over if you believe in reincarnation that is. Why anyone would want to come back to this is beyond me. I will of course snap back I have been down before, but this time I am without a safety net and without a shoulder to lean on. Unlike in my beloved comics there is no one to save me. There is no one who can help me and no one who will magically lift me out its going to be a slow crawl from the wreckage. I just hope I can do it before I end up on the streets. There is little I can do but keep plugging away keep going on interviews getting rejected and more importantly I have to find someone willing to brave this neighborhood and move in with me, someone who hopefully doesn't stink up the joint or rob me blind.
I just don't get it. I know that in the past I have been a bad boyfriend, I have lied, cheated and borrowed money that I still haven't paid back. But this time I was good. I didn't cheat, I rarely lied, and I have given every penny that I have made. Yet it wasn't enough, nothing I could do was ever enough. I tried to be straight up and honest, I tried to be a good guy. From the very beginning I tried to play the white night, and I was walked on like a fucking doormat. Let that be lesson to you kids, when you find somebody you like treat them like shit before they have a chance to do it to you. You get further being a dick was a lesson I learned at young age, but I forgot it somewhere between Atlanta and St. Louis. I will know better next time. I want go slow and gentle when fucking the next bitch in the ass. It will be hammer time mother-fucker. Yes I know that sounds harsh but the likely hood of their being a next time is looking bleak. I can't even see that far ahead. The sad thing is I had a chance to cheat early on when I got out here and rather than take it I ran home like a bitch and told on myself. Never look a gift horse in the mouth. Now my ex is knees up over SF with god knows who and I'm sitting alone drowning my sorrow in cheap booze and crying myself to sleep every fucking night.
If I could I would run away, but I don't really have anywhere to run to. I would go backwards but what good would that do, no matter where I go I would be broke and depressed. No matter how far I ran I would still wake up each day wondering what she was doing, or better yet who. My mind is on fire right now and I don't have enough whiskey to put out the flame. Perhaps I should try to take a nap and dream of better days.