4/17/2009

I keep forgetting



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Now playing:
The Smiths - A Rush and a Push and the Land Is Ours
via FoxyTunes


I can't seem to get over you, I can't seem to forget, I know it's wrong and it's making me sick. I can't function on what I need to in order to survive. All I do is sit around listening to sad music and looking at pictures of you. My heart feels like it weighs a thousand tons; the heaviest thing on earth. The real pain comes from knowing how much fun you're having out there. I'm miserable in this tiny apartment that you left me in and you're out there living it up becoming more important than anything I could have dreamed. I thought it would be us together taking over the world, but you left me behind and I sat there in the mud waiting for you to return when you never were returning. I keep asking myself what it was that I did how I fucked up so badly. I lost the most important person in my life and I can't even figure out how it happened. I just want answers and I know that if I call you asking for them that I would be the bad guy. You made it clear that I am not your problem. I should except my fate and let you go so that you can be free to enjoy this life you have chosen for both of us. Perhaps therein lays my trouble. Maybe I'm more upset that it was your choice and not mines. I would have broken things off in much the same manner had I chosen to leave But, instead you beat me to it and you ran away while I sat confused and with too much time on my hands. I wanted to be more, for me and for you but it just didn't work out that way.

When we met I believed that you were the one I had been waiting on, that all my failures of the past were all to lead me in your direction. I thought you felt the same; we even had an old saying remember "God loves me most". Perhaps that was a clue, we both thought alike and believed we were the favored one. I (born arrogant) felt that because I believed us to be destined that you shared the sentiment and that together we could weather any storm, Funny how things turn out. I really am trying to move on in my mind. I see our time for what it was. I tell myself this day in and day out, but alas to no avail. My heart wins out screaming your name while I sleep. I toss and turn on the couch. I can't sleep in that bed anymore. The pillows still smell like your hair even after I've washed them. I took your pictures down out of the back room the other day. I can't be in the house any longer. Everything reminds me of you. You left over half of your things here, which is a source of pain. It was like you couldn't stand being around me any longer, so much so that you had to leave half your shit and jet. I mean was I that bad. Was I so horrible that you couldn't take another moment in my awful presence? It's the most fucked up shit I have ever felt. I've had a few break ups maybe not as many as most people but that's because when I am into someone I am really into them. A personality flaw most likely but I didn't see it that way-until recently. I used to think my capacity to love came from the fact that I picked the right people to love (for the most part). Now I don't know what to do. I'm not asking anyone either so keep your advice I will figure this out. I know I've been wallowing in self pity for too long and the months of isolation have served to further my madness not improve my sanity that's for sure. I tried, I can say but all the jack asses who don't even like Star Wars will say that there is no try. Well fuck you Yoda you got a guys hand in your ass so float these nuts bitch. Sorry I like Yoda, but c'mon. Are you telling me that there is no E for effort anymore? Yeah that's what I thought…



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Now playing: The Smiths - This Night Has Opened My Eyes
via FoxyTunes

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Now playing: The Smiths - A Rush and a Push and the Land Is Ours
via FoxyTunes
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