9/16/2013

Ghost Tits

 

I am an old man now but when I was a young boy there was a legend. A legend told in hushed tones on the back of school busses and in dark, damp locker rooms of Jr. High Schools across America. It was once a myth a rumor, something we had heard about vaguely. There was always some kid who swore he saw a thing about it on Entertainment Tonight. I speak of course of the Ghost Tits! The mythical greatest tits you’d never see, the ones that got away before they reached their prime. I speak of course of Soleil Moon Frye’s fabled giant boobs. Removed before their true prime, when she was but 16 years old, stolen from us the masses. This was a long time ago mind you, before there was internet in every household, or pocket. We didn’t all have cell phones and none of them were smart as they are now. There weren’t a million cable TV stations reporting every minutia of every celebrity’s life.

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Soleil of course was best known to the current generation as the best friend of Sabrina5ca2a41055acf718eab37d41d154f538_width_640x the Teenage witch (The College Years). To my generation she was, and always will be, Punky Brewster. The mother of Pop Punk and the reason Green Day exist (I made that last part up but seriously if you think about it-she is). At the age of 16 after her career as Punky Brewster was over and she was cast aside by Hollywood and reduced to random spots on other more popular shows, her body developed at a rapid rate. This like with many women caused a great number of ailments both physically and in her acting career. To try and remedy these problems she had her wondrous gifts from God reduced from a staggering 36DD to a more manageable 34C. They were a mystery to me and my friends long ago. Something we talked about constantly, but no one ever could find photographic evidence of them. We dreamed about how glorious they must have been for that brief shining moment in time.

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soleilbeforereduction1sv3While many women have sacrificed greatly under the surgeon’s knife to get what she gave away. Rumor had it they were legendary and they were still mostly unseen as recently as 2002. Internet message boards were constant hub of shared anguish over this. Now nearly 20 years later a scant few images have surfaced. Thank the heavens and the Gods we live in the here and now, but too bad we couldn’t have seen them when they were more than just a grainy image but flesh and blood. And let us all rejoice that Christina Hendricks was not so selfish.

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