10/16/2007

Say it ain't so ma!


So in less then 48 hours I will have been out of the womb for thirty years. It's amazing I honestly did not think I would have made it this long. I'm fighting the urge to write out my last will and testament. Even though I will be getting on a air plane for the first time ever. I always used to joke and claim that my grandmother said “If the Lord wanted me to fly-he'd put wings on my butt!”. Now she probably never said that but after her death I began drunkenly crediting her for all sorts of little sayings that she probably never said. Her death was hard on me, that woman raised me practically my whole life. Not to short change my mother, I was a pretty head strong child and spent most of my time with my grandmother simply because she let me get away with more misbehaving. It's been a long strange trip. There's been a lot of mistakes made, and a lot of lessons learned. I've had some great times with a lot of great people. There has been enough drama and emotional ups and downs to last five life times. More to come hopefully, but right now I'm just taking a minute to look back. I never really did that until six years ago when I found myself in prisoned on the side of a mountain in Ohio. That oddly is not what I considered one of the mistakes. I firmly believe that prison saved my life. I was on such a destructive path for so many years. Any one who was there could tell you better than me. Much f it is still a blur. Acid and alcohol fueled evenings, sex and drugs and tons of rock'n'roll! Good times. Sure there are better more productive ways I could have spent that time and saved those brain cells. But, then I wouldn't be where I'm at today. I have a wonderful girlfriend whom I love deeply and if things go right, we've got a pretty good future together. Sadly I've left a trail of broken hearts and angry lovers to get to her. For that I apologize. I had no idea what I was looking for, for a long time. I just wanted to have fun and forget the fact that I was not living up to my potential. If I had it to do over there are a few things I would change and some I wouldn't. I'm headed home in a few days and it's funny I haven't really heard much from my NC cohorts. I know we're all older now and I can't expect everybody to drop everything and join the party just because I blow into town. I just miss my old buds and hope to see'em again someday. Few of us remain childless and free. I still have big plans and plots to orchestrate. I haven't given up on revolution or changing the world. It's a slow process, the world won't change over night. Most of the work I do most likely won't see the light of day until well after we're all dead and buried. I'm trying to focus and stay on ball. I've made a vow that this next half of my life will be spent diligently working on all the bullshit I talked during the first half. I never thought I would grow up and start talking like this. I occasionally entertained the notion of getting gray and heading out to the woods of Carolina. Holding up in a log cabin with a old Hound Dog and a shot gun, but seriously. Do you know how much log cabins cost? And the mountains have become prime real estate. I would need to strike it semi-rich at least to afford that life now. Money has never been one of my strong points. As soon as I got it I spent it. I wasn't greedy with it though, I didn't buy things (other than comics), I spent my cash on drugs and booze for me and my friends. Not to buy their friendship, just because I didn't like drinking alone.

So much has happened in the last twelve years it's hard to remember the stuff before all that. My memories of growing up in the country and my family are sometimes hazy. I do want them all to know that I haven't completely forgotten though. I still remember the good times we had up at Granny's and Forth of July at Aunt Geraldine's. I can still recall the cook-outs at Rachel's and Fish Fries at the church. I just blocked a lot of memories when mama died so as to not get too depressed. I had seen so many people get stuck out there as well, I didn't want to spend the rest of my life trapped (as I saw it) in the boondocks, with nothing to do but get in trouble. I had enough trouble on my own without being there. I know my sisters miss me and I miss them I just hope they can see it was for the best. They're both old enough now to see what type of animal I am and hopefully know that Davie County was far to small of a cage. I still haven't done much in the way of making a name for myself, but I'm trying Sis. One of these days you'll be proud of your old bro. This is getting long so I'll just say the rest when I see you this weekend. I need a blunt, and some good Irish Whiskey. I'm not one for really dealing with my inner emotions. I do best acting on rage and anger than love and it's sentiments. Trust me though I'm trying to get it all out now so when I'm back in the A we can all just party and have a good time. You now what I mean.



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